Growing up, one of my favourite shows on television was The Incredible Hulk starring Bill Bixby in the role of Dr. David Banner, a widowed scientist caught in the middle of an experiment gone bad. As a result, whenever Dr. Banner gets extremely upset or stressed out, he turns into a huge green monster called the Hulk, with awesome strength and rage to match. I would dream of becoming a little replicable of the Incredible Hulk and wake up smiling as I prepared for a fun day at school. Can you imagine how busy the Hulk would be today? He wouldn't have a moment for a lovely glass of Merlot with a delicious bowl of mussels. The real question is where he would start to try to correct all the unfairness, deceit, misinformation, hatred, miscommunication, and racism in the world.

 

The Hulk was a mild-mannered person that travelled around helping those in need despite his secret. I would love to have him around to handle many of the world's issues. Here are a few items that I would have him get upset about:

• Homophobia. It's a good place to start since June is Gay Pride Month. It feels like so many governments, especially in America have returned to recreating life in the 50s with so much hatred, racism, and discrimination being used to put others down that are not identical images of themselves. Why would anyone care what a group of people is doing in a different town or community? Yet, they insist on getting in their cars, painting their faces, buying assault weapons with a plan to commit murder, and screaming racial and homophobic slurs at people they don't know? Like Pepé the wise crow, I often lean my head to the side and wonder why they don't have other important things to do like taking a closer look at why they believe all the bullshit right-wing politicians and fake media tell them to believe. Well, that may take more time than purchasing a gun since there is no such thing as gun control in America.

• Gun Violence. Gun violence is a fixture in American life. Still, the issue is a highly political one, pitting gun control advocates against people who are fiercely protective of their right to bear arms. There have been more than 200 mass shootings across the United States this year, according to the Gun Violence Archive, which defines a mass shooting as an incident in which four or more people are injured or killed. Their figures include shootings that happen in homes and in public places. In each of the last three years, there have been more than 600 mass shootings, almost two a day on average. In 2022, more than 5,800 children under the age of 18 got injured or killed by shootings in the United States, and the number of school shootings amounted to 302. Why are there so many mass shootings, especially at schools? According to research done with students, they believe that revenge is clearly the major reason for school shootings. Many young shooters were bullied or mistreated when they were in high school. They return to cause havoc on people that never caused them any harm. Clearly, there is a serious mental health issue. Other issues leading to mass shootings include physical & verbal abuse at home, no value of life, drug or alcohol abuse, and easy access to purchasing a gun. So, why are assault weapons so easy to purchase by people walking the fine line of mental illness? That's a question taxpayers should be demanding from their elected representatives that often take disguised donations from organisations like the NRA (National Rifle Association).

• Banning Books. Why are so many right-wing politicians and religious groups determined to remove books from libraries to conceal the truth? What are they trying to hide from future generations? Banning books has the potential to create gaps in knowledge for young learners. Whether it's a classic novel or a new book that has been banned, banning books limits access and has the potential to leave students behind some of their classmates. The most obvious reason why book banning is bad is that it is a form of censorship. Censorship is the suppression of ideas or information. The First Amendment protects citizens against censorship by the government, but not by private citizens or organizations. Book banning has the power to isolate marginalised populations. The U.S. prides itself on being a country where people of diverse beliefs and backgrounds can unite to build something great. Yet the stories presented by books and movies are often less diverse than the groups meant to consume them. As a result, people with lived experiences that differ from what’s taught in the classroom, presented in a summer reading list, or shown in the cinema can feel outcast, ostracized, and alone. Having books from various lifestyles and perspectives allows marginalized groups to feel more connected in a world that already overlooks them. The Los Angeles School Board President, Jackie Goldberg is someone that stands up for what's right. She defended the right for children to read the banned book The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman. It describes how families can be different but the same. For example, a family may consist of a mother and a father, 2 fathers, or 2 mothers -- it's still a family that loves their children. Are you aware of the books that have been banned? Here is a list of the 50 most banned books in America.

• Religious Freaks. God taught us to hate, discriminate, rape, murder, and attend church services every Sunday, and oh, don't forget to put money, as much as you can in the collection plate, if you want your prayers to be answered by God or the person standing up spewing words that someone made up and called it the bible. For some reason, people who question everything accept things they are told by a preacher, pastor, minister, priest, or whomever they call themselves. Whatever happened to the rule of the separation of religion and state? Well, it was formalized in a 1905 law providing for the separation of church and state, that is, the separation of religion from political power. This model of a secularist state protects the religious institutions from state interference, but public religious expression to some extent is frowned upon.

• Police Violence and Murders. Growing up breathing while Black is a frightening experience if you reside in America. It doesn't matter if it's 1823, 1923, or 2023, the same racist acts of violence continue to exist in most major cities and states. Racism is known to be a major cause of police brutality directed at African Americans, Latinos/Latinx, and other ethnic groups. Other factors concern the unique institutional culture of urban police departments, which stresses group solidarity, loyalty, and a “show of force” approach to any perceived challenge to an officer’s authority. For rookie officers, acceptance, success, and promotion within the department depend upon adopting the attitudes, values, and racial profiling practices of the group, which historically have been infused with anti-black racism.

• Corrupt Elected Officials. Political corruption is the use of powers by government officials or their network contacts for illegitimate private gain. In a kleptocracy, corrupt politicians enrich themselves secretly outside the rule of law, through kickbacks, bribes, and special favours from lobbyists and corporations, or they simply direct state funds to themselves and their associates. They pretend to serve those that voted for them, but it's all a lie that too many people believe. They only care about themselves and the potential power and money it may bring them. Can you name several politicians that fall into this barrel of bullshit?

• Thieves. Why are shoplifting and home invasions out of control? Once again, most people will say that it's a result of COVID-19, but that's not true. People are willing to risk their lives or go to jail/prison for their actions. When I visited San Francisco in 2022, I was shocked by the number of thieves walking into grocery stores, pharmacies, or department stores and walking in and grabbing items, and running out the door. Usually, the security staff hired to prevent such things from happening do absolutely nothing in most cases and staff feel they aren't paid enough to stop a thief. So instead of trying to fix the problem and tighten security, most businesses are simply closing and moving to other locations. What are police departments doing about it? Nothing, it's not considered an emergency. Sounds like the right time to locate an original Louis Vuitton or Gucci bag for your next trip abroad.

• War. What is it good for, absolutely nothing was a popular song by Edwin Starr. It's a counterculture protest song by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969. It was released by the Motown label in 1970. If we look at all the wars that political leaders have waged against other countries, ask yourself, was it worth it and were we told the truth about the war? I can barely watch or listen to the news about continuous attacks on Ukraine by Russia with so many dead innocent people just trying to live their lives. Vladimir Putin began the war by claiming Russia's neighbour needed to be “demilitarised and de-Nazified”, a baseless pretext on which to launch a landgrab against an independent state that happens to have a Jewish president in Volodymyr Zelensky. It appears to be all about power and not about the people of Russia or Ukraine. Tons of money is being spent to kill people.

• Human Rights. Where would the Hulk even start? On the short list of violating human rights, I would include a dysfunctional civil rights protection system, an empty or hollowed-out American-style electoral democracy, an increased rate of racial discrimination and inequality, a worsening subsistence crisis among the U.S underclass, and the historic retrogression of women's right to make decisions about their own bodies. Women have lost constitutional protections for abortion, and children's living environment is of great concern. The U.S. Supreme Court's ruling overturning Roe v. Wade has ended women's right to abortion protected by the U.S. Constitution for nearly 50 years, which lands a huge blow to women's human rights and gender equality. 

• The Media. And finally, the fake news media outlets that knowingly broadcast disinformation. There is a difference between misinformation and disinformation. Misinformation is false information that is spread due to ignorance, or by error or mistake, without the intent to deceive. Disinformation is knowingly false information designed to deliberately mislead and influence public opinion or obscure the truth for malicious or deceptive purposes. Here are a few types of disinformation that consumers encounter every day, many are unaware of the impact it may have on their beliefs and opinions:

1. Fabricated Content: False information
2. Manipulated Content: Genuine information or imagery that has been distorted on purpose to trick or fool the consumer. Often a sensational headline is created.
3. Imposter Content: Impersonation of authentic sources, such as using the branding of an established agency.
4. Misleading Content: Deceptive information presented on purpose as fact.
5. False Context: Factually accurate content combined with false contextual information, especially when the headline of an article or news segment does not reflect the content on purpose.
6. Sponsored Content: Advertising or Public Relations disguised as editorial content.
7. Propaganda: Content used to manage attitudes, opinions, values, and knowledge.

Can you think of any events when false information led to violence? They occur all over the world, but there have been many in America. There is one that stands out in my mind. On January 6, 2021, following the defeat of U.S. President Donald Trump in the 2020 presidential election, a mob of his misinformed supporters attacked the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington, DC. Their goal was to keep the loser of the election in power by preventing a joint session of Congress from counting the electoral college votes to formalise the victory of the new President. According to the House of Representatives select committee investigating the incident, the attack was the culmination of a seven-part plan by Trump to overturn the election. Five people died shortly before, during, or following the event. As of July 7, 2022, monetary damages caused by attackers exceeded $2.7 million. Facilitated by Trump, thousands of his supporters, which included white supremacists and racists, gathered in Washington, D.C. in support of his false claim. More than 2,000 rioters entered the U.S. Capitol building, many of whom vandalised & looted, assaulted Capitol Police officers and reporters, and searched for key lawmakers to capture, abuse, or kill. Trump resisted sending the National Guard to control the mob and protect other lawmakers and staff. It's amazing how powerful misinformation can be when key media outlets support and promote the misinformation that leads to turmoil and destruction.

 

Now, imagine for a moment that you have the ear and support of the incredible Hulk, what task would you have him start with in trying to make the world a better or fairer place for all the people and not just some of the people?

 

 

Are you familiar with the term colourism? It's a term that I never heard of until I became an adult. I can remember friends and neighbours teasing my mother by calling her Creole or high yellow. I had no idea what it referred to at the time. This was language often heard in the Black community where I grew up. To be honest, I thought colourism referred to the jumper or sweater I was wearing to school, but I was wrong.

As a young Black boy, I believed that everyone in the Black community was the same. I genuinely loved all my classmates, not for the colour of their skin but because they were true friends. This is when I learned that discrimination could be used by Blacks against other Blacks depending on the shade of their skin. My mother was considered high yellow, but she married a man, my father whom friends would refer to be black as the ace of spades. Once again, I was confused by the description. My oldest sister came out the colour of my father and she hated it because she was often teased about being too black by her Black classmates. My older brother came out a beautiful brown colour like a cup of cappuccino. Then I was delivered, looking like a red fire engine with red skin and reddish/blond hair. Like my sister, I hated it too, but there were benefits and big differences. 

We attended Black primary, middle, and high school with all Black staff that always discriminated against the students with darker skin, even though most of the teachers and counsellors had very dark skin too. More than anything in the world, my sister wanted to be a majorette for her black high school, but she kept getting rejected because she was too dark, and they only wanted light-complexioned or high-yellow girls and boys to apply. My sister never gave up and finally, they allowed her to join, after a visit to the school by my mother who was small but rather frightening. For me, it was a bit of a blessing and a curse. Darker skin classmates started to resent me because I was always selected to take notes to the office for our teachers, to help put lessons on the board or help the teachers grade papers. I never wanted to do any of it, but because I had red skin, they seemed to like me more, but I still don't understand why it made a difference. I was a naughty little boy that always got into trouble, but they bailed me out time and time again. With no talent for turning flips or dancing like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, I was nominated and drafted to become a cheerleader even though I kept declining the offer. Now I understand why, it all had to do with the colour of my skin and my big red afro.

So, what exactly is colourism? The term was coined in 1983 by Pulitzer Prize–winner Alice Walker, who defined colourism as "prejudicial or preferential treatment of same-race people based solely on their colour" in her book In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens: Womanist Prose. Many experts agree that colourism, as it operates in America, can be traced back to chattel slavery, as seen in the distinction between "house" and "field" slaves. But it certainly exists beyond the constraints of the United States. While the term colourism may have been coined by a Black woman, with stealthy roots in American slavery and racism, its impacts are global. According to Anu Mandapati, A south Indian global diversity, equity, and inclusion leader, "When the British were in India, that was where a lot of the standards were set, because people who were lighter skinned got jobs in government and they were treated better than darker skinned individuals. Darker-skinned individuals usually had labour-type positions.

One of my best friends from El Salvador shared similar stories with me. Apparently, colourism existed there too. His mother and older sister have lighter skin, almost white, but he has beautiful brown skin. As a result, he wasn't allowed to play in the sunshine as much as he wanted to do because his mother wanted to protect him from getting too dark. She would always say to both of us, "You need to wear a hat if you don't want to get darker." But that's exactly what we both wanted. Being of darker skin around the world comes with negative stereotypes that are not true when people are being described. Once we grew up, we would travel to many places where there were beaches and hot sun, and we would lay out to get even darker.

Colourism can exist when applying for jobs. If you are lighter skinned, interviewers, especially if they are white feel more comfortable having you on their team. If your skin is darker, interviewers often became frightened or hesitant to hire someone of this colouring. Those with fairer skin tones are often viewed as a more preferred means of inclusion. It gets worse, usually, if there is a Black person on the interview panel, you may not get to the next level for a variety of similar reasons If you are dark-skinned, they may strive to make sure you are not hired because they seem to believe that one black person in a company or in a department is enough. In reverse, if your skin is too light, a Black member on the panel will dislike you regardless of your skills or experience to do a great job. Often in their minds, they believed that a lighter-skinned person may think they are better than other Black people or may want to take their job. Of course, none of this is true.

Often in many companies where I was employed, Black people, regardless of their skin colours would be hired to discriminate against other Black workers and to keep them down. They often became known as Uncle Tom or Aunt Tomasina. Often when a Black person tried to file a discrimination complaint against their employer, they would be unsuccessful if it was a race discrimination claim. I lost track of the number of friends that lost cases when the discrimination was legitimate.

At different periods throughout my life, I was confronted with the brown paper bag test. Are you familiar with the test? Well, the brown paper bag test was a form of discrimination used to exclude dark-skinned Black people by comparing their skin tone to the colour of a brown paper bag. Those who were lighter than the paper bag were allowed into the clubs or private parties. Those whose skin failed the test were rejected. There are stories of Black fraternities and sororities, professional organisations, and even churches using the test to determine membership. The gangster owner of Harlem’s Cotton Club, which catered to white audiences, was said to use the test to restrict who could join his dance troupe, sometimes known as the Copper Coloured Gals. In New Orleans, where generations of racial mixing between white Europeans, enslaved Black people, and Indigenous Americans had created a unique caste structure based on skin tone, there are still reputable stories surrounding brown bag parties which was a New Orleans custom.

My introduction to the brown paper bag test occurred during the early 1990s in the beautiful Oakland Hills. I was excited to be invited to one of the coolest gay Black parties in a neighbourhood I would never be able to afford to live in. During that time, if you were Black and living in the Oakland Hills, you were considered financially well off. Once I got the invitation, I called my best friend Kenny who moved to the Bay Area from Detroit to see if he wanted to join me. He screamed, "Hell Yeah". I smiled all week looking forward to attending this fun event. All week we discussed what we would wear, what were the best colours, buying new shoes, and getting our afros trimmed to perfection. We couldn't wait for the weekend. Once it arrived, we were literally jumping up and down all day in preparation for a good time. We were both giddy with excitement as we jumped into my little Mazda CRX with great dance music blasting. We were both singing the words of songs and moving to the beat of the music. As we started going up the hill, we thought it best to turn the sound down so we wouldn't be harassed by the Oakland Hills police. After we approached the beautiful home and parked, we sat in the car for another 10 minutes convincing ourselves that we were good enough to be invited to this party. Neither of us knew that it was a brown paper bag party or what it meant, but we soon found out. 

Kenny and I hugged each other and pressed the doorbell. A handsome light-skinned Black man opened the door, held a paper bag next to my face, and immediately started flirting with me and gave me a warm hug as he introduced himself to me. Not sure why, but I still remember his name. With a deep voice, he said, "My name is Malcolm." I just smiled and he pulled me into the house. I waited for my friend, but his reception was less than warm towards him. Malcolm looked at him, held up the paper bag, and declared that he wasn't welcome because he didn't pass the test. I started to question him and argued with him as my friend was trying to pull me back from getting into a fight. When Malcolm said, "Your friend is too dark for this party, but you can come in, but he can't." As my hands started to make a fist, I was asked to respect the rules and leave my friend in the car. I lost my temper and was asked to leave the house. We hugged each other for a while then got into the car and drove away in complete silence. We drove back to my place in San Francisco, listened to music and danced, and celebrated our friendship with a bottle of champagne from the back of my car. It was the first time I was aware of privileges. Everyone has privileges in life, but it's the way that you use them to help others. When I shared the story with my mother, she laughed and reminded me of lessons that I obviously missed while growing up. 

Mom taught me that it didn't matter if my skin was light or dark because Blacks would be treated the same by whites. Throughout my life I would test her theory by simply crossing any street that wasn't considered a black community and hearing all the auto door locks click as soon as they would see me, whether I was wearing a suit and tie or torn jeans. I loved getting into elevators full of white people, men, and women, and watching the frightened looks on their faces. Many of the white women would grab their purses or exit the elevator to wait for the next one. Often, I would ride elevators on my lunch break just to see the look of terror on their faces so I could go home and share the funny stories with my roommates. Shopping was also another situation where most salespeople were afraid of a Black customer or would simply pretend you were not waiting to make a purchase. My first case of this was in the fabulous Neiman Marcus department store in San Francisco. I wanted to buy a cake for a friend’s birthday. The salesperson kept looking over my head and trying to help white customers. To my surprise, I was very patient, not like I am today. Finally, a very tall, good-looking white businessman said, "I am sorry, but this gentleman was next and has been waiting." I thought the salesperson was going wet her pants with fear. I remained polite and respectable, and I am still not sure how.

While working and living in Washington DC during the Obama Administration, I was unable to get a taxi any day of the week. My work required that a suit and tie be worn every day. Most days, when it wasn't snowing, I would simply walk the 10 or 15 minutes to work. One snowy day I took a chance at trying to get a taxi. Not one taxi stopped to pick me up. Finally, one European driver that passed me three times decided to stop once I pulled my hoodie off. I asked him why he wouldn't stop and as he started to explain his reasoning I could feel and see his embarrassment. He shared with me that Black people would rob and steal from you and often jump out of the taxi without paying. Before I could ask another question, he looked me in the eyes and apologised and said none of it had ever happened to him before but it was what the other drivers had warned him about. He teared up. I ended up taking him for coffee and a light breakfast. Bonding with him and learning the truth was worth missing my meeting. Usually in DC a white man or woman would push me aside, hail a taxi, open the door, and push me into the car. The drivers would usually look shocked and nervous. I am ashamed to say that many of the drivers that would not stop were African. Of course, I would question them too if I could get one to stop for me.

As I attended a Black college, the caste system didn't come as a surprise anymore. Many fraternities kept trying to recruit me to become a member because of my skin colour. I refused to be a part of any of them although it was not easy to keep saying 'no'. On campus, the two biggest fraternities/sororities were the Alpha Kappa Alpha and Delta Sigma Theta from the first half of the 20th century. Once again, I was tricked into becoming a cheerleader and I had no interest in being a part of the team. In return, I managed to get all my dark-skinned friends into the games. Their cheers and screaming made me dance even harder for them and we would laugh after each game. Honestly, I was hoping I would have been eliminated from the squad.

The first time I travelled to Europe, mostly Italy and France, I was frightened because no one was afraid of me or of my skin colour. The trauma that we often carry with us is shocking. It was the first time that I realised that the treatment of some people of colour was very different from life in America where almost every race is discriminated against in the job market, housing, education, and healthcare. I never wanted to leave Europe so ended up attending college in Rome through an exchange program and later moved to Paris to explore the world.

Although things have changed in the world, young friends tell me they still feel discrimination from whites and from within the Black communities. Often Black people can treat each other worse than whites and it still makes no sense to me. Lately, I read a lot about slavery and black history and have learned how it was easier to control a race of people by placing negative thoughts in their heads to keep each other down or from achieving equality. It has worked for over 300 years. It's the old divide and conquer theory that is still prevalent today. My mom called it the crabs in a bucket theory, not allowing any to escape the bucket. I was always taught to show kindness to anyone who looks like me or is a person from a cultural background. The paper bag parties still exist today. Often, I still struggle to understand why hatred is so prevalent in the world. If we live in a society that shows an explicit preference for white and light-skinned people, the brown paper bag test will still matter because even though we’re not walking around with a brown paper bag in our pockets, the way society treats dark-skinned people reveals the threat that not only racism but also colourism poses.

 

Being a Good Listener is Key

 

 

 

Do you consider yourself a good listener? Would your friends or your partner say that you are a good listener? During my lifetime, I have discovered that it's not easy to be a good listener or to find someone who is genuinely interested in what you may have to say. Many people will hear the first couple of sentences and immediately change the subject to be about their personal experience without understanding what is being said. My favourite daily lessons is being able to observe how people interact with each other, even during COVID-19 more than ever. It appears to be even harder than ever before to find someone with all the skills of being a good listener.

 

Throughout my entire life, listening was taught as the most important skill to possess in order to survive. I didn't understand it at the time, but I as I became older it made perfect sense. Remember when your mother or father would ask you to do something, but you may have been watching a program on the television and responded with okay, but never moved away from the television? There was always something about the third threatening yell to get you moving. It was enough to make you listen and move quickly to avoid a spanking. Often my mother reminded me of Sergeant Carter from Gomer Pyle the way she would drill us to see if we were listening to everything she demanded. Often, she would switch the script and make up a story to see if we were following along. For me, I thought of it as a fun game to listen to every detail without interrupting and provide her with a play by play of the events. I became very good at it.

 

Being in a Stage-4 lockdown and under a curfew between 8p and 5A, and wearing a mask whenever you leave the house, makes it difficult for everyone to be a good listener during a time that it's extremely important to listen and to hear what the customer wants, the client needs, or what struggles a friend may be going through at this time. It's the same as being in a relationship that may already be under some strain, but nevertheless being a good listener rises to the top of the list. Let's face it, many of us have been taught to not listen for more than 20 seconds of what someone is saying because they are taking too long and it's easier to hijack the conversation by saying something like, "Hey, that reminds me of something that I went through a couple of years ago." That voice alone steals the moment and shuts down someone who trusted you to listen. Believe me, they won't trust you again to share anything because of the lack of patience and the excitement about responding without giving it your full attention and truly listening to what is being said and hearing what is needed.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was standing in line to get into a local bakery for coffee scrolls because they are delicious. Usually I talk to all the staff when I am in there but talking through a mask and sweating makes it more difficult for everyone. Once it was my turn to be served, I looked at the young man that has waited on me before and I said, hello can I have 6 coffee scrolls please. He wasn't responding until I looked into his eyes and he slowly said, "How are you today and how was your weekend?" I was stunned for a moment. It forced me to relax and take a deep breath because he refused to move forward until I responded how my day was going and if I had a great weekend, and he listened. Then I responded, how was your weekend and he took the time to tell me. I discovered the old me, even asking a few questions about his surfing and how often did he surf. He loved it and it reminded me of my active listening skills and the need to use them more.

 

As I walk around the neighbourhood that has been a very friendly community, I am noticing that people are less friendly than before. A lot of it is that you can't see if anyone is smiling or happy because they are covered up with masks, caps or hoodies because it's a bit chilly or dark glasses if it's a sunny day. What I enjoy most about COVID is that it pushes you right out of your comfort zone and forces you to create a new norm that right for you. My partner knows how to move his eyebrows up and down to show that he is smiling or laughing or showing some facial emotion. My brows don't move at all and the mask covers most of my face. If I put on my dark glasses, they are usually fogged up from breathing in the mask. If I put on a cap, forget it, no one would recognise me at all. I could easily be Danny DeVito, Whoopi Goldberg, Denzel Washington, or Barack Obama. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so real. I am still working through the kinks of getting my hearing and speaking in sync so I can better understand people, as well as myself. 

 

Through my various walks of life, I have found that very few people possess good active listening skills because they have never been taught them or it's not something that they feel is necessary. When I worked for organisations, I was always amused how most managers and directors lacked good active listening skills. Staff would line up to open their hearts to share difficult stories and issues happening in the workplace. I would watch managers cut them off in the middle of their story, turn the presentation into their own story, continue checking their mobile devices for text messages or emails and give their opinion of what the staff person should do although the response never made any sense because they were not listening. It was no surprise to me when all of the great staff people seeking help would leave the organisation due to the lack of support as a result of the inability to listen and to hear what was happening. It occurred over and over again.

 

But working in my own business was very different. If you truly open yourself up to receive lessons from life, you may be amazed by the results. In working with public relations and marketing clients, active listening was a key ingredient in assisting my clients to be successful on every level. Active listening was that main ingredient. Every meeting started with listening to what the client wanted to achieve, also hearing all the non-verbal messages that the clients were sharing through their body or non-verbal language. Being an active listener taught me to be extremely sensitive and aware to everything happening in the life of my clients. They were always overwhelmed when I summarised the conversation and included their non-verbal messages.

 

For years I wondered why many people were not good listeners. Sitting quietly with yourself can unveil so much information. When you are quiet with yourself you can hear so much more. Most people, without their knowledge, are trained to respond and not to listen to an entire conversation. We are taught to hijack any conversation and redirect to our own story, give unwanted recommendation or prescribe the problem with solutions that worked for us. Trust me, this is the fastest way to lose credibility and trust with a friend, a co-worker, a client, spouse or partner. It shouts loud and clear that I am not listening to you because I know what you need to do and listen to my story because I have the solution. It's the biggest mistake ever.

 

According to Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention." Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't listen to hear what you may not be saying can be the most difficult and frustrating or if they are ready to diagnose your problem when you aren't asking for a prescription. 

 

So, what are the ingredients to be an active and alert listener to friends, family members, partners, co-workers and clients? Active listening involves the listener observing the speaker's behaviour and body language. Having the ability to interpret a person's body language lets the listener develop a more accurate understanding of the speaker's message. Often when I am listening to friends share a heart wrenching story, I often paraphrase their words to make sure that I am hearing correctly what they just shared with me. It's good to know that often many people are just looking for someone to listen to the struggles they are dealing with today. Usually, they are not looking for the listener to give them a solution or to take charge and tell them what the problem is and how they should move forward.

 

Genuinely listening to someone involves being neutral and non-judgmental about what they are saying. Try to be patient and allow for periods of silence while the person is organising their thoughts. It makes a big difference to show signs that you are listening such as smiling, maintaining eye contact, leaning into the conversation or even nodding your head to show that you understand. In one of my roles as Communications Consultant in a public health setting, I was assigned to attend a rather vicious press briefing with my Medical Director and anti-vaxxers with a goal to attack and defend their rights not to allow their children to receive vaccines. It was one of the most interesting engagements that taught me a lot. Once again, active listening and observing were vital to the success of our mission. My medical director was flawless except she came across as cold, appeared uninterested in what other had to say and sounded too technical. I watched as tempers started to rise and decided to text her on her mobile device to alert her about her next moves in order to get the crowd on her side. I simply stated that eye contact must be maintained. When someone from the group spoke, I instructed her to nod her head to show that she was listening to them and to allow them to speak before responding to their question or concern. I even alerted her when to smile or agree with something that had been said. She was very successful and provided the most accurate information. Some of the anti-vaxxers accepted the data, but those that came to be agitators didn't accept it but were unable to cause any disturbances because of the professionalism of our speakers at the event. It wasn't an easy task because I had to listen twice as hard in order to give my boss the right steps to follow. In all future events, she excelled and learned how to be an active listener and to observe and interpret non-verbal language.

 

Establishing the habit of active listening can have many positive impacts on your life. In relationships, active listening may allow you to understand the point of view of another person and respond with empathy. It also allows the opportunity to ask questions to make sure you understand what has been shared. The best part is that it validates the speaker and makes them want to share more with you. Being an active listener in a relationship means that you recognise that the conversation is more about your partner than about you. This is an important fact when your partner may be distressed. Great active listening helps us to be less likely to jump in with a quick fix when the other person really just wants to be heard and nothing more. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, don't expect any empathy or for them to listen to you without using it against you.

 

At work, active listening is important if you are in a supervisory position or interact with colleagues. Active listening allows you to understand problems and collaborate to develop solutions. It also reflects your patience, a valuable skill in any workplace.

 

In social situations, active listening will benefit you as you meet new people. Asking questions, seeking clarification, and watching body language are all ways to learn more about the people whom you meet. When you listen actively, the other person is also likely to speak to you for a longer time. This makes active listening one of the best ways to turn acquaintances into friends.

 

Here are a few helpful tips for practicing active listening:

 

• Make eye contact while the other person speaks. You should aim for eye contact about 60 to 70% of the time while you are listening as opposed to looking at your phone or your watch. Avoid folding your arms as this signal you are not listening and may be bored.
• Summarise what has been said rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions.
• Don't interrupt while the other person is talking. Never prepare your reply while the other persons speaking. It's an insult.
• Observe nonverbal behaviour to pick up on hidden meanings, in addition to listening to what is said. Remember, facial expressions, tone of voice and other behaviours can often tell you more than words alone.
• You can show interest by asking questions to clarify what is said. Ask open-ended questions to encourage a deeper conversation.
• Never change the subject, it will make the person talking believe that you were not listening at all.
• Try to be non-judgemental while listening.
• Patience is truly golden. We can sometimes listen faster than others can speak.

So, are you a good active listener in your relationship, with your friends, in your family, with your co-workers, with your children or even with your pets? 

 

My challenge for you is to observe what's happening around you. Even during the age of COVID, I see couples taking walks together, just like before, nothing has changed. They are still walking or sitting and having a lovely coffee together staring into the face of their mobile phones. From where I am standing, there is no listening or talking to each other. My mask could be blocking my view but I only see misery on the faces of so many couples.

 

I would love to hear your active listening experiences.