Working With a Narcissist

During the past year, I worked in a government facility in San Francisco that taught me a lot about the negative behaviors of staff, managers and directors. Once moving into the observation period, it became easier for me to recognize the various levels of manipulation of a true narcissist. Whether you are working with a narcissist or engaged in a relationship with one, the results will always be the same. Their goal is to have complete control of a situation while making everyone as unhappy and miserable as possible.

We’ve all tossed around the word "narcissist" to describe a self-absorbed person, especially when it comes to relationships of all kinds—romantic, familial, workplace, even friendships. Maybe it’s an ex who constantly put his or her own needs and desires above yours, or maybe it’s a boss who continually cuts you off in meetings and takes credit for your accomplishments.

But what does a true narcissist (someone with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD actually look like? Research suggests that anywhere between 1 and 6 percent of the population may have this personality disorder, and about 50 to 75 percent of those are men. However, the women can be just as narcissistic, especially in the workplace.

Narcissistic

What are the true signs of a narcissist? There are 5 traits that you may have observed in your co-workers or your partner. They include:

Narcissist have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

• Narcissists want to be recognized as being superior without the necessary achievements that go along with being superior.

• Narcissists will often overestimate their abilities while simultaneously devaluing the contributions of others. Narcissists will often act surprised when they don't get the praise they feel they deserve. They consider themselves smarter and more clever than others.

• If a Narcissist is not achieving success, they will find a way to blame other people or society, but never blame themselves. Many of them spend most of their time creating ways to cause disruptions in meetings or just in general.

Narcissist believe they are special and unique

• It's okay to think that you are special, a true narcissist believe that they are better than everyone else. They insist on creating their own group of people, many very much like them or those that can be controlled by their misinformation, lies  and untrue rumors about others.

• Despite the fact that narcissist often act boastful and overconfident, their self-esteem can actually be pretty fragile. They have a tendency to be preoccupied with what people think of them and feel pretty shocked when people don’t treat them like royalty. This can be particularly true in relationships. 

• Most narcissists will love you as long as you’re idolizing them and making them #1. They seem lovely and wonderful and shower you with attention and expensive gifts until you assert yourself. Then you might see a mean streak you didn’t see before. And it’s scary and often violent.

• Narcissist have a strong sense of entitlement and require lots of admiration.

• Expectations of being recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it. Nor will they do the work to become superior. They feel it's deserved.

• They make up stories about their greatness. Usually, it's all bull, although they believe it. Most are preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, beauty and consider themselves the perfect mate or colleague although they are far from the truth.

• Monopolize conversations and strive to look down on others. They consider most people inferior to themselves.

• Known for taking advantage of others to get what they want, but it's never enough once they bully someone into giving it to them.

• Narcissist are known to expect special treatment because they consider themselves the best. They enjoy bullying and taking advantage of others.

• They choose to never recognize the feelings of others.

• A true narcissist will always behave in an arrogant or outrageous manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious. Often they will attack others for the fun of it. It shows how insecure they really are and how they are unable to compete with others.

• Many often insist on having the best office space or chair and often find fault with others and broadcast it to everyone.

People with narcissistic personality disorder find difficulty handling anything they perceive to be criticism, even if it's constructive and they will usually:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment.

• React often with rage or contempt and try to destroy other co-workers or their partners to make themselves appear superior or better than everyone.

• Have great problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

• Demonstrate significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted or looked over.

• Be unable to control their emotions and bad behaviours.

• More often than not, portray moodiness

A narcissist always remind me of a piranha, you can feed them and stroke their ego, but sooner or later they will seek to bite you for no apparent reason except to feel better about themselves. This can be surprisingly true in relationships. Narcissists will love you as long as you idolize them only. They will appear to be lovely individuals and often shower their mates with lots of loving attention until the partner assert themselves. Then it's full on war and a rather nasty, mean streak they may surprise the average person. It can also be rather frightening for most people.  

Unfortunately, most managers or directors without a strong back bone will give the narcissist anything they want in order to avoid any confrontation. Trust me, it never works and all the great staff leaves the organization.

And finally, the best ways to deal with a true Narcissist:

• Simply Don't. If you are in a relationship, run as fast as you can. On the job, simply don't play and stand your ground.

• Really don't. In a relationship you can Kiss Up or Shut Up. On the job, if you are their boss or colleague, hold them accountable. If the Narcissist is your boss, look for another job immediately.

• Know what you want upfront and collect. Narcissist are not about fairness. They only think of themselves.

• Ask them, what would people think? Narcissist never feel guilt, only shame. Try working that angle. Remember they also lie a lot, okay, most of the time.

• Finally, get out as soon as possible. You won't regret that decision.

After working in Public Health for 2 years I got to view and study narcissists on a daily basis and documented the number of qualified staff that walked away from an organization due to the lack of accountability.

Mikael Wagner is the Principal and Communications Director of Promotions West, a public relations and marketing firm based in San Francisco with offices in Washington, DC and Melbourne, Australia. For assistance with your