Working With a Narcissist

During the past year, I worked in a government facility in San Francisco that taught me a lot about the negative behaviors of staff, managers and directors. Once moving into the observation period, it became easier for me to recognize the various levels of manipulation of a true narcissist. Whether you are working with a narcissist or engaged in a relationship with one, the results will always be the same. Their goal is to have complete control of a situation while making everyone as unhappy and miserable as possible.

We’ve all tossed around the word "narcissist" to describe a self-absorbed person, especially when it comes to relationships of all kinds—romantic, familial, workplace, even friendships. Maybe it’s an ex who constantly put his or her own needs and desires above yours, or maybe it’s a boss who continually cuts you off in meetings and takes credit for your accomplishments.

But what does a true narcissist (someone with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD actually look like? Research suggests that anywhere between 1 and 6 percent of the population may have this personality disorder, and about 50 to 75 percent of those are men. However, the women can be just as narcissistic, especially in the workplace.

Narcissistic

What are the true signs of a narcissist? There are 5 traits that you may have observed in your co-workers or your partner. They include:

Narcissist have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.

• Narcissists want to be recognized as being superior without the necessary achievements that go along with being superior.

• Narcissists will often overestimate their abilities while simultaneously devaluing the contributions of others. Narcissists will often act surprised when they don't get the praise they feel they deserve. They consider themselves smarter and more clever than others.

• If a Narcissist is not achieving success, they will find a way to blame other people or society, but never blame themselves. Many of them spend most of their time creating ways to cause disruptions in meetings or just in general.

Narcissist believe they are special and unique

• It's okay to think that you are special, a true narcissist believe that they are better than everyone else. They insist on creating their own group of people, many very much like them or those that can be controlled by their misinformation, lies  and untrue rumors about others.

• Despite the fact that narcissist often act boastful and overconfident, their self-esteem can actually be pretty fragile. They have a tendency to be preoccupied with what people think of them and feel pretty shocked when people don’t treat them like royalty. This can be particularly true in relationships. 

• Most narcissists will love you as long as you’re idolizing them and making them #1. They seem lovely and wonderful and shower you with attention and expensive gifts until you assert yourself. Then you might see a mean streak you didn’t see before. And it’s scary and often violent.

• Narcissist have a strong sense of entitlement and require lots of admiration.

• Expectations of being recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it. Nor will they do the work to become superior. They feel it's deserved.

• They make up stories about their greatness. Usually, it's all bull, although they believe it. Most are preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, beauty and consider themselves the perfect mate or colleague although they are far from the truth.

• Monopolize conversations and strive to look down on others. They consider most people inferior to themselves.

• Known for taking advantage of others to get what they want, but it's never enough once they bully someone into giving it to them.

• Narcissist are known to expect special treatment because they consider themselves the best. They enjoy bullying and taking advantage of others.

• They choose to never recognize the feelings of others.

• A true narcissist will always behave in an arrogant or outrageous manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious. Often they will attack others for the fun of it. It shows how insecure they really are and how they are unable to compete with others.

• Many often insist on having the best office space or chair and often find fault with others and broadcast it to everyone.

People with narcissistic personality disorder find difficulty handling anything they perceive to be criticism, even if it's constructive and they will usually:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment.

• React often with rage or contempt and try to destroy other co-workers or their partners to make themselves appear superior or better than everyone.

• Have great problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.

• Demonstrate significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted or looked over.

• Be unable to control their emotions and bad behaviours.

• More often than not, portray moodiness

A narcissist always remind me of a piranha, you can feed them and stroke their ego, but sooner or later they will seek to bite you for no apparent reason except to feel better about themselves. This can be surprisingly true in relationships. Narcissists will love you as long as you idolize them only. They will appear to be lovely individuals and often shower their mates with lots of loving attention until the partner assert themselves. Then it's full on war and a rather nasty, mean streak they may surprise the average person. It can also be rather frightening for most people.  

Unfortunately, most managers or directors without a strong back bone will give the narcissist anything they want in order to avoid any confrontation. Trust me, it never works and all the great staff leaves the organization.

And finally, the best ways to deal with a true Narcissist:

• Simply Don't. If you are in a relationship, run as fast as you can. On the job, simply don't play and stand your ground.

• Really don't. In a relationship you can Kiss Up or Shut Up. On the job, if you are their boss or colleague, hold them accountable. If the Narcissist is your boss, look for another job immediately.

• Know what you want upfront and collect. Narcissist are not about fairness. They only think of themselves.

• Ask them, what would people think? Narcissist never feel guilt, only shame. Try working that angle. Remember they also lie a lot, okay, most of the time.

• Finally, get out as soon as possible. You won't regret that decision.

After working in Public Health for 2 years I got to view and study narcissists on a daily basis and documented the number of qualified staff that walked away from an organization due to the lack of accountability.

Mikael Wagner is the Principal and Communications Director of Promotions West, a public relations and marketing firm based in San Francisco with offices in Washington, DC and Melbourne, Australia. For assistance with your 

Workplace Stress

Over the years I have worked as a consultant, freelancer and actually in corporations and government offices and learned that stress lives everywhere, but it how we handle those situations. Some of my best positions doing work that I loved lived among toxic waste. Great workers usually stay as long as they can because they love the work but eventually they must leave in order to survive physically. Incompetent or inadequate workers never seem to leave but love stirring the pot filled with harassment, bullying, viciousness and lies. I have always had a saying that those who stir the pot should be forced to lick the spoon.

Believe it or not sometimes there is good stress. During these times it's normal and can be helpful. For example, when you need help from a co-worker or team member to complete a project or you have to present in front of a group of people.

You may feel butterflies jumping around in your stomach and your hands are shaking, but once you get going all is great. These type of stressors are short lived, and our body's way of helping us to get through what may have been a challenging situation.

However, dealing with negative stress can have a strong impact on one's health. Regardless how much you may love your work, the negativity can force you out of an organization. There are many causes of stress that may have negative vibes that include:

• Sexual harassment
• Bullying or harassment by other staff members
• Weak or ineffective leadership
• Being micromanaged
• Dealing with negative or toxic team members
• Being overworked while others are doing nothing
• Attending too many unproductive meetings
• Racism, Sexism, Ageism and Discrimination
• Reactions as a result of fear and egos from others

There are also physical symptoms that can have an impact such as:

• Tension or muscle pain
• Headache
• Problems sleeping
• Lack of Appetite or Digestive issues
• Overeating
• High blood pressure
• Floaters in the eyes

Emotional symptoms may also include:

• Depression or Sadness
• Anxiety
• Lack of motivation
• Feeling you can’t get things done
• Moodiness
• Irritability

If you love your work and want to stay on the job it's important to try a few techniques that do not include punching someone in the face, although in all honesty, I have been close to doing just that to many who actually deserve it. It took me some time to understand that it's not worth spending time in jail over an idiot. Instead, if you want to stay on your job and search for contentment, you may try the following tips:Be assertive. It will surprise those who are use to bullying. Assert your feelings, opinions and beliefs.

• Let negative people know without hesitation that you don't have time for bullshit and that you are about business and getting the job done. Simply walk away.

• Manage your time so that you are not available for distractions.

• Accept the things that you can't control. Escalate those tough issues or problems up to someone with a higher pay grade who can solve the issue faster.

• Learn and practice relaxation techniques such as meditation, mindfulness, or emotional intelligence.

• Get plenty of sleep.

• Exercise or walk when you can and eat well balanced meals.

• Spend time with people that bring you joy.

• And most importantly, laughter is good for the soul.

If you love your work, do give it a try. If the negativity is too much and it's making you sick, it may be time to consider moving to a different place where your skills will be appreciated and rewarded.

Mikael Wagner is a Communications Project Manager with Promotions West. Share your tips on reducing stress at mikael.wagner@gmail.com or visit Promotions West

Reimagined Life

As a young man full of life and energy in 1990, I was forced to give up my dreams and ambitions, because of a new disease that swept the country. At that time, physicians told me that as a gay man my chances of surviving were slim to none and to start making plans and peace with family members. As I looked around, not wanting the fun and parties that I had drawn me to San Francisco to end, I feared that the rumors were true. One by one, two by two, and then 20 by 20, I started to lose my best friends, colleagues, lovers and those that we called “Gay Moms. Being young and rather naïve, I was at a loss and turned to my mother. Normally, she was the last person in the world that I would turn to for help, but she actually surprised me. She explained to me that we now had a lot in common with each other. Then, the light bulb started to glow brighter with her next words. In the sweetest voice, she said, “All of your friends are dying and so are mine. So, let’s figure out this together and how we will survive.” At that time, my mom was the age I am today and full of life and encouragement for me.

Thirty years later, I am still here using the skills that I learned from so many wonderful people to help others to survive. Life has taught me that aging does not mean getting old and feeling depressed. Aging means using all of your insightful experience that has been acquired along the way and transforming your life into a magical experience to reach new goals or to expand your life. Reimagining life is making what could be into what is.

The most challenging part of aging for me is living in the present and embracing the moment. It’s not easy. I often drift off and think about all the stuff I should have done yesterday or how am I going to take care of something that seems urgent tomorrow, instead of listening and enjoying what is happening today. There are still days when I feel sad and miss my friends who have moved or transitioned so many years ago. I try to place myself into the old man box, but my happy spirit just will not allow me to do it. With the inclusion of younger friends and colleagues in my life, the one thing they have taught me to do is to be present, not in the past and not in the future. Believe me, it works.

Now when I pass a mirror and look at the person looking back at me, I am flattered instead of thinking, ugh, who is that old man trying to flirt with me. Today, I look into the mirror and smile, thinking about all the good times that old man has had and all the adventures that lie ahead for him. Remember the movie, Catch Me If You Can? That is how I feel today.

As a boomer, I am working as hard as I ever did 30 years ago, but the difference is what I share with others. One of my gifts to those who are 50+ or actually any age is helping them to re-imagine life and ways to get unstuck and remember to have fun while creating a new life. It’s enjoyable to accept people where they are in life and assist them in pushing past the boundaries to revisit their dreams. Dreams can include a great vacation, starting a dream business, getting healthy and being physically fit, dating again, taking a class or just doing something that you have always wanted to do but were always told that you were never good enough to do.

I never thought I would say it, but getting older has helped me to spread my wings, expand my mind, and push beyond the barriers that I created to protect or imprison myself. I am wise enough to know that all sorts of negativity exist in society against those in the LGBT community, against communities of color and against older people in the workforce, but I refuse to be put down because of any of those negative thoughts. The best part about being present and in the moment is to never stop pushing until your goal has been reached.

After living through some amazing times, isn’t it time to expand our horizon and celebrate life with vigor and pride? To quote the late Maya Angelou, my goal is “To be the rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”

Mikael Wagner, a strategic communications project manager, is principal and managing director of Promotions West, a public relations and marketing firm based in San Francisco.

Ways to Keeping Your Work Meetings on Track

When is the last time you were at a fantastic meeting? I would venture to say the majority of internal meetings are painful and expensive time sucks, especially if you consider the collective wages and time your organization is losing for however many people to sit around and talk.

How often do you regret going to your staff or management meetings?  Be honest. I have only worked in a few places where all the staff enjoyed and participated in meetings and worked as a team. 

Lately, I hate attending staff, management or planning meetings because the same people practice and rehearse different ways to derail the meeting and to never stop talking until they are certain that nothing has been accomplished. I keep waiting for the leadership to stop the nonsense, but it hasn't happened yet. 

Have you seen this behavior before? If not prepare yourself for a show of people that give new meaning to being obnoxious. They never stop talking and I keep wondering if they ever pause to ask themselves, why am I talking?

Here is a snapshot of W.A.I.T. - Why am I talking?

There are a few things that can be used to make your meetings better.

1. Stop derailment before it starts.

Author of "Smart Leaders, Smarter Teams: How You and Your Team Get Unstuck to Get

Results," Roger Schwarz recently wrote a guest blog for Harvard Business Review in which he said there are three things you can do to keep a meeting from going off-track.

First, spell out and get agreement on the purpose of each part of the meeting. If someone believes other issues need to be addressed they'll have the opportunity to say so instead of bringing them forward as rabbit trails once the meeting is rolling along.

"If it's not your meeting and there is no agenda, simply ask, 'Can we take a minute to get clear on the purpose and topics for the meeting to make sure we accomplish what you need?'" Schwarz writes.

Also, don't move to a new subject without properly closing out the prior one. Ask people if there's anything else that needs to be addressed regarding the topic. If someone isn't ready to move on, find out why not. Doing so lessens the chance they'll reintroduce the same subjects down the road.

And if you think someone is derailing a meeting, determine if they're doing it for a legitimate reason. Tactfully ask him or her how what they're talking about relates to the subject in question. Maybe there's a connection you or others hadn't considered.

2. Hold your stand-up meetings at 5 p.m.

Stand-up meetings aren't new, but making people do it at a time of day when they want to go home is an unconventional way to ensure a meeting doesn't stray off-course.

3. Make sure everyone is on the same page.  

LinkedIn has done away with in-meeting presentations because people can read them on their own. But CEO Jeff Weiner has some other strong beliefs about meeting etiquette. He stresses the importance of defining semantics. He writes:

It never ceases to amaze me how often meetings go off the rails by virtue of semantic differences. Picture a United Nations General Assembly gathering without the real-time translation headphones and you'll have the right visual. Words have power, and as such, it's worth investing time upfront to ensure everyone is on the same page in terms of what certain keywords, phrases, and concepts mean to the various constituencies around the table.  

Weiner says it's also important to identify one person to "keep the car on the road" by making sure the conversation remains relevant, no one dominates the discussion, and adjunct discussions are taken offline.

4. Agree on rules and have them enforced by an issue-neutral person.

The worst offenders when it comes to derailing meetings are ramblers, bores, show-offs, latecomers, naysayers, time wasters, and minutia-minders, writes Charlie Hawkins, president of Seahawk Associates, an Albuquerque, New Mexico-based management resource for strategic planning, idea generation, and communications effectiveness.

The first thing to do, he says, to agree on ground rules. For example, your team could agree that meetings will start and end on time, a prioritized agenda will be followed and no side conversations are allowed. You could even make a rule that chronic latecomers will be tasked with facilitating the next meeting.

Then, when ramblers ramble, someone can raise the agenda rule. Use some kind of parking lot--board, paper or another mechanism--for capturing side issues that can be addressed at a later time. And you can appease attention-seekers or derailers by giving them a job, such as a timekeeper.

Hawkins says gentle but assertive facilitation is better than direct confrontation and should be employed by an issue-neutral person who's not the boss or someone otherwise invested in the outcome.

Work with a particularly disruptive person? Don't invite him or her to meetings. If that's not possible, the person's supervisor will have to initiate a frank conversation. This direct approach might not be fun for anyone, but it's worth doing if it results in less time wasted in meetings.

The following tips can help when setting ground rules for your next meeting: 

• Show up on time and come prepared. Be prompt in arriving at the meeting and in returning from breaks

• Stay mentally and physically present

• Contribute to meeting goals

• Let everyone participate

• Listen with an open mind

• Think before speaking

• Stay on point and on time

• Attack the problem, not the person

• Close decisions and identify action items

• Record outcomes and follow up

It is possible to make the workplace a great place with the right leadership and management stepping forward. Information in this blog is shared from an article in Inc. Magazine by Christina DeMarais called 4 Ways to Keep People from Derailing Meetings.

Mikael Wagner - Promotions West - bmikael@promotionswest.com